One of the most nerve wracking aspects of going to college is finding out who your roommates are. There are so many ways first years (and beyond!) find roommates. From sports teams, class pages, high school friends/classmates, and going random (the school picks for you) to name a few. I personally went random, mostly because it felt like the easiest option.
More often than not people want to make their best impression with their future roomies, and a lot of those first conversations pertain to who’s bringing what, what they’re interested in, and the sleeping situation. In my case my school sends out a survey where you talk about sleeping habits (early riser, early sleeper, noise levels, etc.), how clean you like the room, social plans, and more. They’re supposed to match you with people who have similar preferences, but again, you don’t really know what you’re getting into until you live there.
I remember being so nervous when I got the email telling me who my roommates were. Instantly I went and looked them up on Facebook and friended them. Then I was worried that I seemed a little too eager and felt instant regret. Luckily they accepted the requests almost as fast as I sent them, and one created a group chat. We began by sending little introductions, talking about where we were from, what we were going to bring, wondering what our room would look like. I think I spent more time agonizing over those messages than my actual college application essays. Have I looked back at them and cringed? Absolutely. But it was also so exciting.
One more thing before we head into the tips there is an overarching theme to these tips: Be proactive! This is especially important when you have lupus. Being proactive instead of reactive is something I’m still working on, but starting conversations with your school and roommates before there is any issue will save a lot of headaches in the future, or, at the very least, you will know you did your best. But anyway, let’s get into some roommate tips from those first conversations to those later in the semester.
Talk to your school first.
I’ll be honest, my mom did this for me, but I was 18 and newly diagnosed so I needed some extra help. She reached out to the head of residential life as well as the disability coordinator to discuss my specific needs. My campus was not huge, but there were hills, and for someone with knee problems walking up and down hills everyday, multiple times a day, could become pretty difficult. They ended up putting me in a dorm that was in the heart of campus, which was amazing. Downside was that I did not have an elevator (walking to the third floor every day), and I had to walk up a few flights to even get to the dorm building, but overall it was the best solution for me. Because we talked to the school (and because I went to a smaller school) we were able to have more say in what dorm fit best for my situation rather than the dorm that they put most students with disabilities in.
Think about your wants vs. your needs.
I shared a room for my entire life, but I know for a lot of people it can be their first time having to share their space. It’s important to think about the things you actually need (not having to climb a ladder) vs. things you want (having the desk next to the window). Living with other people is all about compromise, and it’s okay to have wants, but sometimes you have to give away those wants to have your needs met. This won’t fix every roommate conflict that can come up, but thinking about what you want out of your experience and being honest with yourself and roommates before moving in can make certain situations better. Just as you have wants and needs, they do too.
Don’t be shy in saying what you need, but remember other people might need things as well.
I was super nervous about talking to my two roommates. I didn’t want to come off as selfish or difficult so I spent time thinking about what things I actually needed vs. things that I just wanted. I didn’t want to come off with a list of “demands” as that can be off putting, and I wanted to be considerate of what they needed as well. We all made a group chat on Facebook and after a few messages sent back and forth we started talking about where everyone was going to sleep. Dorm rooms don’t typically have a lot of space, and we were three people sharing two small rooms. We decided to bunk two of the beds and have the other one half lofted to have more space. Albeit nervously, this is when I let everyone know that I had lupus/knee problems. I said that I could not sleep on the top bunk because of the climbing and not being super balanced, and luckily both my roommates were super kind and understanding, and I made sure that when they had a specific preference to give them the same kindness back.
Lay down the ground rules early and honestly.
Conflicts are bound to happen, but talking about issues before they arise is super beneficial. After you make your list from tip #2 and you really think hard about what you want from your roommate experience, set up a time to talk to your roommates (within the first week of school) to discuss what you all want. Whether it’s setting ground rules for having guests over, study habits or social goals (drinking, parties, Greek life, etc.) it’s good to have a base understanding of what everyone wants and setting some initial rules. Communication, listening, respect, and honesty are important for a healthy roommate situation. Some roommates become best friends, some are just roommates, and some can become volatile. I was afraid of conflict and let things fester and grow until the situation just went sour, and maybe if we had set up a good conversation before feelings got hurt things would have been better.
Living with people whether you know them or not can be super scary, but it can also be super fun. Take the time to do some of the ground work yourself (answering school surveys honestly, thinking about what you want vs. what you need, talking to the school early). You always want to present the best version of yourself, and it’s always good to strive for being your best self, but you also have to think about how you are in stressful situations, what you’re like during a flare, and that maybe you do let your laundry scatter around the room without even realizing it. Be open, be honest, be flexible, but don’t let others walk over you.